Desire is timeless. Long before modern sex toys, steamy novels, and risqué songs, humans were finding creative – and often surprisingly elaborate – ways to amuse themselves in the bedroom (and sometimes just under the dinner table). From ancient Greek ‘performance enhancers’ to Victorian novelty condoms, join us on a cheeky journey through the objects, texts, and trinkets that have kept pleasure on the menu for thousands of years. Some were practical, some purely decorative, and some… well, let’s just say our ancestors had a wonderfully vivid imagination.
500 BC: The tension ring
Thousands of years before Viagra, men of ancient Greece had their own performance enhancer, which we now politely refer to as a ‘tension ring’. Sadly, none survive from the ancient world, but Greek art shows us that men once wore them with pride. Take Aristodikos Kouros, a young warrior cut down in his prime around 510-500 BC. The statue from his tomb is carved of luminous Parian marble. Look a bit closer and Aristodikos is undeniably sporting a large ring at the top of his male member. Whether worn to enhance sexual prowess or for decoration (a sort of below-the-waist bracelet) this 2,500-year-old statue is a ‘long-lasting’ monument to male virility.
200 AD: The wooden dildo
The Romans brought many things to Britain: roads, baths, aqueducts – and a 6.3in double-ended wooden dildo, it would seem. For decades, archaeologists thought the strange object found near Hadrian’s Wall was a darning tool. Then in 2023 academics noticed the wear marks. On both ends. Now it’s believed to be an ancient sex toy, though some argue it might’ve been a pestle used for grinding spices, or the private parts of a statue rubbed by passersby for luck. ‘Hard’ to say.
1400: The spicy biscuit
In the Middle Ages, ginger was an exotic luxury, brought to Europe from Asia by Arab and Venetian traders. A common ingredient in aphrodisiacs, its heat and rarity gave it a reputation for stirring the blood as well as the appetite. In an obvious play on the spice’s associations, this gingerbread mould depicts an erotic scene – two intertwined young lovers enjoying the pleasures of the flesh. What, or who, would be on the menu next?
1748: The dirty book
John Cleland’s Fanny Hill (pun intended) was first published in 1748. Considered the first English-language erotic novel, it chronicles the adventures of a young woman navigating London’s pleasures, a story which scandalised the nation (and saw the author arrested for obscenity). Splicing bawdy jokes with steamy encounters, it’s ultimately an acerbic takedown of 18th-century society. Heavy on innuendo rather than explicit detail (‘weapon of pleasure’, ‘fierce erect machine’, ‘plenipotentiary instrument’) it was nonetheless officially banned in the UK until 1970.
1780: The crude cartoon
Thomas Rowlandson (1757–1827) was a razor-sharp English caricaturist who skewered Georgian Britain’s vices, ridiculing its excesses in magazines, newspapers, books and prints. His hand-coloured engravings lampooned the lusts and hypocrisies of high society. No one was spared – lazy servants, cuckolded clergy, scheming politicians, lecherous aristocrats. Rowlandson’s cartoons were graphic (sometimes very graphic, even by modern standards) and merged political satire with titillation.
1830: The keepsake condom
Sex in the 19th century wasn’t all coy glances and ankle flashes. Take this 1830s condom, a rare survivor from an era where people were terrified of sexually transmitted disease. The stakes ranged from embarrassingly itchy bits to a slow and unstoppable slide into madness and death. A luxury souvenir from an upscale brothel, this novelty prophylactic is made from sheep’s intestine and adorned with a nun and three clergymen playing a very rude game of show and tell. Today it enjoys a prime spot in Amsterdam’s Rijksmuseum, where curators have scrutinised it under UV light and concluded that this relic of pleasure never actually saw any action. Which leads to a peculiar thought – in another 200 years, will our descendants be staring at unused Durex in glass cases?
Late 1800s: The naughty netsuke
Originating in the 1600s, Japanese netsuke are miniature artworks, typically carved from wood, bone, or ivory. Small enough to fit in the palm of the hand, they were originally used to fasten clothing, but over time evolved into an art form in their own right. In the late 19th century, when Japan first opened to the West, artisans began creating netsuke for curious foreigners, including erotic examples like this one, destined to become a forbidden treasure in the cabinet of a wealthy Western collector.
1894: The kinky hand crank
The mutoscope was invented in 1894 by William Kennedy Laurie Dickson and Herman Casler in the United States. Designed as a coin-operated peep show machine with a flipbook-style sequence of images, it was turned by a hand crank. Some of the earliest mutoscope films showed Pope Leo XIII in the Vatican – arriving in a carriage, walking in the gardens, talking to his cardinals. Far more popular were the bevies of buxom beauties photographed in various states of undress. Rather like the pause function on video today, the mutoscope let solo viewers linger a little longer on the naughtiest bits, by cranking the handle s-l-o-w-l-y.
1900: The pervy pocket watch
The ladies have retired after dinner. The gentlemen linger. Port is passed around the table. The mood shifts, and they share racy jokes. The wealthy host reveals his latest acquisition: a gold pocket watch. But this is no ordinary watch. Open the upper cover, or cuvette, to discover a couple in an intimate embrace. Decorum might have reigned at the dinner table, but this mechanical trinket gives a nod and a wink as to what happened afterwards, making even Bridgerton-style romps look tame.
1931: The saucy song
Step into a 1930s London boozer. The piano’s out of tune, the locals are belting out favourites like ‘Roll Out the Barrel’. As the drinks flow, the songs get more risqué. Enter Harry Roy and His Bat Club Boys. Their big 1931 hit was ‘My Girl’s Pussy’. In the ribald working-class music hall tradition, it’s a mischievous song packed with double-entendre. How does it go again?
‘There's one pet I like to pet
And every evening we get set
I stroke it every chance I get
It's my girl's pussy’
1945: The ‘heat massager’
Sore muscles after a day scrubbing the steps, putting wet sheets through the mangle, and frying liver? The 1940s Oster Massage Instrument ‘Stim-U-Lax Junior’ promises hand-held relaxation, increased blood flow, and… relief. A vibrator in disguise, it’s proof that even the grey years of post-war austerity couldn’t dampen desire.
